Side blog

i feel like shit 

because of this fight 

and i’m not sure how to fix it because it’s so weird, and like. i’m so tired of this fighting. and this fight is just plan stupid. I love him so much. But I don’t want to fight with him all the time. 

Feed me I’m hungry. 

I think about suicide. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t because I honestly do. I’m too much in love with myself to do it anymore tho. A lot has changed. I’m a better person now. I’m happier and I finally accepted who I am. Will I always have these horrible feelings? Yes, of course. But I have the power to overcome it because I know that I am a better person. And I’m amazing. And that I have a great personality. I try my hardest at everything I do no matter what, I am my own person. I find myself very hot pretty nice looking and I am okay with who I am now. I still have issues I suffer with everyday, but I can get through them. You just have to have the mind set to overcome it all. Or at least try to. That’s why I don’t get it when people cut themselves. You don’t have to feel that way. I know it sucks. But you don’t have to harm yourself. What the hell is that going to do? Go out and do something for Christ’s sake. Tell someone. If you don’t want to then help yourself. Believe in yourself. Confidence is everything. Most people think you’re conceited but so what? I’d rather be friends with someone who is “conceited” than ones that have the lowest self esteem on the planet. I mean sure, I’d help that person. But please have confidence. 

Fucking flaunt it.

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That awkward moment when you’re leaving school with your friend, Bella, but you make her go a different way just so you can see your crush hopefully. Then you find that he’s working out and looks oddly sexually attractive. (I like his arms and dimples okay.):

I know I’m supposed to be doing homework right now, but I can’t stop thinking about you. How retarded. I hate that. You got your phone taken away, bro. WHY. I miss you like crazy. When I see you tomorrow. Ugh. Sfisdjfosdfjs. I literally can’t even. Wanna know how I know that I love you? Because you’re there for me. Above all you’re my best friend. I love you because when I was with you that day, and I saw what things you were going through, it was then that I knew I loved you. We comforted each other. I can’t just feel this way about anyone else. I mean, I know I’ve said that I’ve liked someone alot before, but this is completely different. Why? Because one guy I liked was because at the beginning I thought he was nice, then he turned into a dick. the second one because I don’t really think I did. But I cried over him. Because of what he did, and how ignorant I was to ruin such a relationship between my mother and I just because of him. And the third one? I liked him because he made me laugh. But you I love you because you’re there for me. Because I’m there for you. Because you know every single thing about me. The worst things that are there, and you’re still there. You know my memories that I’ve never told anyone. You know how I used to/still feel about certain things. You have literally saved my life so many times this year. And I don’t know what else I can say about it. I bet this sounds retarded because it’s all about me, but you know I’m there for you too. I mean I know deep things about you, and every thing, every secret, is just so astonishing. I never imagined someone could exist like you. You’re so different in the best way possible. I want to be more than friends. But I don’t know what you want. All I know is I love you.

It was so intense, I’m not allowed to tell everything, but it was intense. I don’t want to be at home. Being at ACTS, it was like a dream. Were nothing bad could ever go wrong. I didn’t miss anything about the real world. I want to go back. I would give anything to go back. I’m about to cry, I miss it so much. I loved every moment of it, and the best thing was that I got even more close to my religion. I just want to go back.

I’m talking to Ron. and he’s talking to me about what would happen if he died, or moved, or something like that. Then I asked him what would happen if I got bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into a super hero but had to leave town and talk to no one I knew because I was afraid I’d get them hurt and he was all “THEN I’D BE LIKE BATMAN AND BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.” and I was just like “We could fight bad guys together!” and then we started talking about that. I like him, okay.

He’s been bugging me about calling him. But my phone’s not working. DAMN IT. He is calling me tomorrow though. On my house phone. which is weird because I never talk on my house phone. We’ve been talking about really serious things lately. About his father, and my past and stuff. He wants to have a picnic when we go to Disney this summer and watch the fireworks show. He wants to go to the Zoo, and the arcade. He wants us to go take long walks together. At one point he said we should just walk about on the beach and just talk.

Knowing some of this, you’d think we were dating, right?

It kind of sucks that we’re actually not.

I love him as a best friend. I really do. But I’ve developed a crush for him that won’t go away and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. It keeps getting worse and worse everyday. I even made up a song that was basically to him today. I can’t even remember it. But I bet it could have been a hit in the industry. That’s all for now.

Will things ever change from being just friends?

And I’m talking to my bestest best friend. And since no one knows who that is on here I’m giving him a nickname and it shall be Ron. Don’t judge, okay.

Anyway.

Ron was all. “Oh my god. You’re too cute, you’re such a little kid. It’s why I love you. Send me a picture!” So, of course, I sent him a picture. I mean. I was a cat. Everything is amazing when you’re a cat. and he like spazzes out and is all “OH MY GOD. YOU’RE SO CUTE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. AWWW. I LOVE IT. Can I set it as my background on my phone!? CAN I.” and I’m like, “Sure!” and so now. Everytime Ron looks at his phone he’ll see me in Cat Mode.

Can someone tell me why we’re not dating already?

Fuck.

Isn’t this odd. Having a Side Blog. I’m not even sure how this works, perhaps all my followers can see this, but then again maybe they can’t. I guess I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind a lot late.

Relationships. I feel, like they’re not really worth it. I almost don’t believe in them anymore. I love that feeling when you’re in a relationship, but how can they be real? Honestly, I broke up with one of my ex’s and we dated for over a year, my friend broke up with his girlfriend and they went out over two years, and I’ve heard people breaking up even though they were dating for 3 years. Is it even real? Could it even last?
I miss that feeling of love. I miss that comforting protection. I miss those sweet kisses. I miss everything from it, but then again I miss nothing. I’m contridicting myself.
Sometimes I wish I could be a guy just to be a player and not be called a whore. Honestly, girl’s all know it’s true. Or maybe that’s just me?
I’m not sure what I want exactly. I know I want to feel something like that again though. But I don’t want to be awkward about it. I don’t want to be with someone that I barely know. Someone I know I won’t like. I don’t want someone who likes me just for my looks, but for who I am. I want to be able to laugh and have fun with them, but I also would like to be kind of carefree about it. I want to be able to hold their hands and be able to just walk around talking about everything. Basically, right now, I’m kind of looking for a relationship that Tom and Summer had in 500 Days of Summer. Sort of? Maybe? I think I just want to feel wanted. It’s not like I’m looking for my soul mate. I mean, come on, I’m in high school and those rarely last.
I know I say things like “You don’t need a guy to be happy.”, etc. and I’m right, you don’t. You really don’t. But if you’re feeling for someone like I am now, you can’t help but want to be with that person. The person that makes you smile every time you’re with them, who’s not like anyone else, that person who you can say absolutely anything to and they would help you or laugh at you (in a good way). I really need that one person right now.
I’m probably being a stupid cliche teenager, but it’s true. It’s what I want right now. This is me being completely honest.